no wonder i struggle so much with the waiting. i forget how much every fiber of my being wants to give up on the wait and try to grasp for it now. i constantly forget how easy it would be for me to blow everything. i forget how much waiting, without a promise of what you're waiting on... or even an understanding that you should be waiting... that she hasn't already given up... just hurts. i never realized uncertainty can feel that way. its amazing how being so close can make you smile one minute and choke back tears the next.

i've never been good with delayed gratification. i suppose i've never tried too hard to be. well i'm trying now. i know just how much could be at stake.

and so i wait...