saturday night i watched a movie (resevoir dogs
), played my guitar for awhile, and really was providing myself some nice distractions from life. then eventually i start working my way to bed. its in that place that i find every distraction fades. i sat down on the edge of the bed, as is my custom, and switch my phone to quiet mode. in the process for some reason i pulled up the picture of my ex that has been stored on my phone. hadn't looked at it in awhile. then i went to the ringers section and played the song that was designated for her calls. even though i made it play, the emotion i felt when i heard it was almost overwhelming. i got this nervous and excited feeling from hearing it. and i realized that i hadn't heard it play in over a month. its been over a month since i've heard her voice. it made me realize that it really must be over. and that i really have to get on with life. but at the same time i've proven to myself that i can't simply "get over it." i want so badly to hang on to the chance that soon i'm going to hear that song play again...
so i layed there in bed for a long time, wide awake. wanting desperately to sleep but unable to get her out of my mind. i thought about calling a friend to talk to but realized there wasn't much point, and it was too late to mess with anyway. so i stayed awake...
sunday came and went. sundays are typically about 13 striaght hours of work for me. not a complaint, just a fact. thats the way it is in my profession.
after youth group sunday night i was sitting down to the computer in my office to write that experience. and my phone rang. dont get excited...it wasn't her. it was a good friend though. interestingly enough a good friend that i once had very strong feelings for. it was great to hear her voice, and to catch up. she shared the guy troubles she was having and we were able to console each other. anyway, it felt great to be wanted. sort of a feeling i haven't had in awhile. well...since my ex girlfriend had her sudden change of heart.
eventually we hung up the phone and life was right back where it was. i'm stuck in a limbo of trying to trust God, but at the same time trying to get past the disappointment that its hard not to attribute to Him. I'm definately lonely. i've lived in this town for almost 8 months now, but i've yet to make it my own. I feel that God called me here, but the reason and the means for making it truly my home still escape me.
and so my question i ponder now is, how long will this last? at what point am i going to be able to simply be past it? even as i type this i am sitting in the library (no computer at home, and i wont go to my office on my day off) next to a beautiful girl at the next computer. in my mind i wonder what she's like, what if i talked to her. but i know she doesn't compare. of course i know nothing about her, whether she would ever even interest me or not, but it doesn't matter. i know she doesnt compare. how could she? but my question will remain...how long do i stay in this rut? how long am i going to be in this desert place?
some people run to Christ when they are in the desert. some people run from Him. I'm acknowdging my lack of passion right now, and forcing myself to trust in Him. I guess thats why i love the song "blessed be Your name" so much. i can find so much truth right now to the verse that says, "blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering...though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name." thank God my heart will always say, "Blessed be Your name!" its only through His grace some days...and i'm having a lot of those days lately.
